As a reflective person, I tend to ponder things and one of life's little mysteries is what does matter in life. This is obviously a rhetorical question about life, but I think what really does matter is how you treat people.... especially those that you love. I like to read and used to read a fair amount before coming here. A passage that really resonated with me was from "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd.
“There’s one thing I don’t get,” I said.
“What’s that?”
“How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?”
She laughed. “That was May’s doing. She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color. I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Caribbean Pink. She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco. I thought, ‘Well, this is the tackiest color I’ve ever seen, and we’ll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May’s heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it.’”
“All this time I just figured you liked pink,” I said.
She laughed again. “You know, some things don’t matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person’s heart — now, that matters. The whole problem with people is –”
“They don’t know what matters and what doesn’t,” I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.
“I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don’t choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters.”
So the question that arises for me is how hard is it to really make other people happy? Is it really that hard to think of other people when making decisions? Not that you have to do things solely for other people and not let your needs be known, but I feel that most people think that life is about making sure that their needs are met first and foremost.
And the majority of people that would decide that it was okay to paint their house Caribbean Pink for someone else would make sure that was never forgotten. August decided to paint her house for her sister... but I can guarantee that five years from now if they got into a fight she wouldn't say "Well, you are ungrateful because I painted by house Caribbean Pink for you."
I just do love this passage because it does bring to light two important things. 1. What matters in life is treating other people well and 2. Good deeds should be done not for collateral or recognition but out of love.
As always Meg, I find your blog posts thoughtful and at times provocative. While each of us goes through life we have opportunities to make change in other peoples lives. Good or bad, it is up to us.
ReplyDeleteI recently lost one of my friends to suicide. He was one of Bill's best friends. Jerry was a very unassuming guy. Not wealthy nor famous yet there were over 650 people at his funeral service. The reason why was that throughout his life he took the opportunities given him and made a change in others lives for the better.
He retired from the phone company after 30 years and then for 9 years worked as a security guard at Eden Prairie High School in Minnesota. He took the time to learn student's names, ask how they were doing, listened to their problems and concerns, helped them find their way on the first day of school and greeted each and every one of them with a smile. He often said, "99.9 percent of these kids are good kids." How many 58 year old guys could say that and really mean it? Jerry truly believed it and showed that he did.
One young man got up at the service and told us, if not for Jerry he would not be standing there. As a freshman in high school he was going through a very difficult time and was contemplating suicide. Jerry took note and approached him and from that day on he sought this young man out to talk to him. If he saw him sitting alone at lunch he would join him at the table. Such a small thing, yet huge when you think that because of him a young man was standing before us able tell Jerry's family what a gift Jerry had given him.
Small things make for great change. For me, Jerry was my friend, was in Bill's and my wedding, someone I loved and always looked forward to spending time with. I could always count on a huge smile when he spotted me, then a hug and kiss and the first words out of his mouth were, "Hello sweetheart, it is great to see you. How are you?" That "how are you?" was genuine. He really wanted to know how I was. He wanted to know how Will and Cate were doing. He worried about Bill working to hard.
Since Jerry's death many of us who are his friends have had a hard time accepting it. We all go through a cycle of emotions, anger at Jerry, then guilt because we were not there when he needed us and then sorrow.
As one friend said, "Even though you are surrounded by friends and family who love you, you can still be lonely." I for one am trying to remember that each and every day and reach out to others who just need an ear to listen and a heart to accept them. Not always easy but Jerry has proven to me that while it may seem small in the "big scheme of things" actually it is a gift that is priceless. I just wish I would have had the opportunity to give that to him at his time of need.
So as I read through your blog it gave me pause. There are many times in our lives that we have the opportunity to give up something for someone else. Not always easy but we do so because it makes them happy. We help them because we want to, not because we have to. So even though they may not reciprocate or appreciate, it is not a reason to stop.
My husband is a perfect example. Not always does he notice or say thank you when I have taken care of a problem or done something that makes his life easier. Occasionally I become resentful and would love for him to reciprocate. Then out of the blue he will tell me how much I help him and if not for me he would not have accomplished what he has in his life, that he was more than lucky on the day he met me. What better gift could he give to me than those words. They are priceless.
I know for a fact Meg that you are very much like my friend Jerry. You open your heart and take the time to listen. What a wonderful gift you give to your friends and family. You are a joy to have in my life and I am sure all your friends would agree.