“Of course there is not formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.”
So..
Some people enjoy drama.
Some people enjoy the thrill of the fight and love any victory no matter how small or how temporary.
Some people need to be upset about something almost all the time.
Some people actually do enjoy and seek confrontation.
But that really is just not me. I am much more the person that will (and has in the recent past):
Lose expensive sunglasses a week after I purchased them and just decide that I need to walk away and not get mad.
Not really need to talk things out because I am okay with just moving on.
Hurt myself and ignore the blood gushing out above my eye
Never return a meal at a restaurant even if it is bad and be mortified by others that do.
Pay my landlord more money than I should just to make sure there is no bad will between us.
Think of how something will affect you before I think about how it affects me.
What I have realized about myself and life is that when I am unhappy and when I bring turmoil into my life or allow others to make me angry, I get stressed out and bothered. So I guess what I have learned is that you don’t always have control of others or the outcome of a situation, but you can control how you deal with a situation and how it affects you. So I just try to not let it affect me in a negative way and not sweat the stuff that I can’t change. I thought this was a good characteristic but it has gotten a lot of negative feedback lately.
And what I have heard from people that care about me lately is that:
1. I am really passive
2. I have given up on life
I am not sure how these two statements have come to define me, because it is not the case (or I am in severe denial)
The reason that I am bringing all of this up is that recently I feel that I can’t do anything right in other people’s eyes. I do realize that these people are people that care about me, but I also feel that everyone here has the mindset PUT YOURSELF FIRST. I have had a lot of “issues” arise while in Germany; landlord concerns, boy problems, job frustrations, right vs wrong decisions. Things that are all part of life and that there is no manual on how to deal with them. I just can't help but feel that everyone is down my throat about what I should and should not do and I seem never to make the right decision. But I feel that I do what feels right to me and that is all that you can do sometimes.
It is odd because I think that there are some sayings that sum up the way I deal with things:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Don’t sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff.
Choose your battles wisely.
I think in a nutshell, I do try to stay grounded and not let the external factors that I can’t alter affect me too much. But being over here I have realized how hard this truly is. I am not sure if it the Army or Germany that makes this lifestyle hard and not widely accepted but I definitely do not get kudos from my peers for my choices.
Here is a great example of my passive, giving up on life approach to life:
So recently I had to meet with my landlord because I had a broken window and a broken faucet. The broken window was due to an accident where a friend accidentally tripped into it and the faucet was due to a faulty faucet that had broken down with 14 months of use (and a faucet should have more than a 14 month life span). When I met with the landlord and a person from the housing division, my landlord said that I would have to pay for both the window and the faucet. I expected the window but not the faucet because I didn’t do anything besides normal wear and tear. When I got a bill for both, instead of focusing on the fact that it probably wasn’t right that he billed me for both, I thought how nice is it that I have the money to pay this bill. There were times in my past, where I wouldn’t have been able to take a “surprise bill” like this and it feels good to be able to handle what life throws at you. But when others found out about it, all I get is the feedback, “that is not fair.” I have come to conclude that a lot of time life is NOT fair... but this is a minor not fair; definitely not a major. So why not just chalk it up to a good story and move on, eh?
But, in true Meaghan style, I do see the other side. I get that if you allow others to take advantage of you, they will. And this is starting to resonant with me more and more here. I see in this setting, more than other time in my life, that the squeaky wheel does get the oil. The people that demand that they should not be ignored, are not here. They are the ones that get the recognition and the ones that get what they want. The other people are walked over and abused. And I am slightly afraid of what I am setting up with my landlord. It is nice that now we say “hallo” to each other when passing but is he just going to keep taking my money whenever he can because I let him.
I am an analogy type of person, so I do have an analogy for the situations that arise here. There are certain times in life when you are in what I call a riptide. A situation that you can’t really control... because it is more powerful than you. Nothing that you do can alter the course of events; you just have to survive and get through. And they are situations that would rip apart and “kill” most people. And in these situations, I feel that what you have to do is just swim with the current because if you swim against it, you will be destroyed... no matter how strong of a swimmer you are. I have been in a few riptide situations in my life and there are moments here that I think that this place can be a riptide... and so it is necessary to “go with the flow” no matter how chaotic that flow actually might be.
Now I realize that you need to do what is necessary to make yourself happy and I do always make sure that I am happy. And because of that I can say that I am a 31 year old woman that is happy with the way my life has panned out and with the vast majority of decisions that I have made. There are things that I would change because I do think that I have missed out on some opportunities and some loves because of my lackadaisical approach to life, but who doesn’t have things that they would do differently. I guess when it comes down to it, it just doesn’t take a lot to make me happy but if I am unhappy, I know that I have to take a stand and change things. But in the end, what is the best approach to take??
So one of the main reasons that I wanted to post this is to get feedback, especially wisdom from others. What do you think is the best approach? I really would greatly appreciate any insight and feedback.
And thanks for reading... lots of love,
Meaghan
